You Don’t Say

I think you should get some info about my husband. He was born in Ithaca and is known by everyone in town so he’s a towny and not a Cornell or an Ithaca collage student who arrive in town like they just got off a spaceship.

When I met him 29 years ago he was introduced to me as the Mayor of Stewart Park. So I’ll call him the Mayor.

I use to stack the five full face core of  wood we needed for winter. I had a hard time and yelled to our neighbors daughter if you don’t see me call 911. I finished the job without any rows falling on me.

It was the beginning of August and that means off to Syracuse Grand Nationals. I been there and did that but it was a guy thing. I liked the break and he loved the trip with a close friend of twenty years named Harry. Harry always said he would only drive a turn-key car. The next thing he was working on an 1937 Chevy pickup truck. The Mayor has a 1927 Hot Rod.

That was the time I went to get some ice cream and  I lost control of my legs. Well I pulled myself  all the way to the end of the cabinet and passed out. I just got up and went to bed after putting the ice cream back  first

By the end of the month I called my councilor and said I feel like I’m falling apart. Go to the emergency at the hospital. So, okay I went. They were ready to take me to the rubber room ward but took a x-ray first. I think that was because I started convulsing. What a trip. I told the Nurses that I was not cold. Then came in a Doctor with a Mental health person. The Doc said they see a mass in my brain and I’m flopping like a fish out of water. Just get that hook out of my mouth and throw me back in the water! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Were did the Time go?

Well the last two years flew by so fast that all I can remember is the abridged edition.

Started working in my stepfathers restaurant at 16. Helping the waiters and waitresses set their trays up with dessert orders and the stuff you set on a table to snack on until your meal arrived. Then became a waitress, made eyes at one of the cooks and bang I was pregnant at 17. Just duckie.

Mom had everything arranged down to the adoption Agency, the family I would stay with in Boston. I can remember the meal I ate the night I went into labor. Tacos!!

Mom showed up a week before the great event with this guy in a jaguar. I must have messed up her plans good.

Finished 11th grade and had a year to go. It was in the late sixties and what   a wild world. Not outside the doors but, inside the doors.

No sooner when I got back Mom was packing and leaving as she said she would. Good grief I had just got home when December 16th rolled around. Mom calmly showed me were the Christmas gifts hid and I had to wrap them and sign from Santa. That made my stomach wist. Wow, she really left and the divorce was in full swing. And here I was working,finishing school,Keeping that huge house clean,laundry and ironing not to mention a social life. But, before she did go I asked if she would show me Dads grave sight. I  never knew. She became real quiet and in the car we went. She had to only show me once and  that was all I needed.

So after all I had learned at home I said ,”Get ready world for a OCD,Manic,depressive storm to reap havoc with anyone I would meet and with anything I would do.”

Mom

After the passing of my father she was never the same. Yes, she remarried and had a baby girl. We lived in a small home awaiting the move to the bigger. She wanted everything ready before the move. The location of the small house was a walk over the bridge to school. The move would make it a half mile longer. A strainge thing about the water under the bridge. At times it would run yellow,red,blue and green. Later I found out there was a paper mill up stream. And in the new home you could see the Prison as the crow flies,but it was a walkable distance. Wow, those Prison walls were high and thick with a look out post on each square corner.

In the new house everything seemed to be going alright for a while. Yet the sadness or the lack of spark in her eyes was not there still. She made it a point to have everything ,even a dishwasher. For the time it was a luxury item. I started to plunk  on an upright piano and had a few lessons. I kind of liked it. The next item in the home came a Parlor Grand piano. If I was not so afraid of my teacher I would have gone far. Funny my sister and I where always dressed as twins because at times you could not tell us apart. Or was it Ma did not like shopping all day.

Yet through all the dinner parties and luncheons and outdoor barbeques sadness still was held in her eyes. She was very beautiful. A Liz Taylor look alike and I’m not kidding and did not show her age. Always dressed in style and her hair done once a week. One day she came out of the  her bathroom laughing! Instead of using hair spray on her hair,she used Lysol spray! Now that was funny. In her closet was a hand made bluish-green dress with tiny beads all around. Looked like something you would see a star wear.She did marry rich, sort of trophy wife when you look at the other brothers wives and my step father. Even a woman came once a week to clean the place but, we still had chorus to do on the weekends.

We called Mom, Ma. Remember the coloring book girl? Her goal was to truly make Ma happy in any way. Followed every rule as best as could be. First to get her weekend cleaning done and was responsible for sister to get hers’ done and wake her up for school every day and come down to the kitchen to find cream of wheat or oatmeal already made for us on the stove and never seeing Ma in the morning at all.

She was known as Aunt Cookie. I got to Watch TV in her room sitting on the floor . She liked Perry Mason ,Twilight Zone, Ed Sullivan and Star Treck.

She was a survivor of the Great Depression and TB. She had a huge scare on her back were a portion of her lung was removed. She had lost her childhood too due to illness and poverty.

I still hear her whispering,wash it,dry it and put it away,scrub the tub out when done,pick it up or out it goes on the lawn.

She had an affair which produced a son, so now with Gramps there was six of us living in the house.

Then came a day she was looking out the Main Entrance of this turn of the century house and said to me,”I can not stay here any longer.”

Two years later she had left. 

The year before she left the screaming Manic inside threw her expressions on bedroom walls. You might say it was Mania expressed in an artistic way. Everyting all over the place with no place for anything. The Room at The End of the Hall.

the room down the hall

First you have to walk up 13 steps to come to the second floor.You’re looking up as you climb stairs holding the banister and it’s about 12:00 or 1:00. The sun is shining. A door comes into view,first  the top then the rest as you are on the landing. Half a turn another door. Then you see at the very end of the hallway a black door that has a window pane in it with an American flag covering the window that is lit by the sun.

So you walk up and open it. The first to hit you is the stained glass windows  flooded with sunlight and beneath a well made bed. The head board is yellow on the top so it’s bright. Turning to the right you’ll see a tire on a piece of shag rug and guitar leaning on the wall. Oh, yes, those big flower stickers, all over the closet . Then a smaller door that leads to storage. But before you look in you notice the color of yellow with an interlocking pattern made with triangles in black. The room is painted Burnt-orange. Turn again and you’re back to the windows but, there is a huge black circle on the wall to the right. The rest looks somewhat normal looking past the windows but, then came the left wall. There was a beautiful abstract. Squares and oblongs framed in black and inside the squares and oblongs were different colors.

Let’s turn again. Da,da, there it was. A wall of Marlboro cigaret boxes from top to bottom. Look around the corner there is another wall covered. The next wall leads to the door out. You get this feeling , I’ve missed something. The picket fence on top of the dresser, no that’s not it. You may puzzle for a minute. What part of a  room do you not look at the most of when it’s nine feet tall? The ceiling. Look up and fall back on the bed and you will see black squares getting smaller and smaller and smaller to the center until you feel as  if you were going up or it was coming down.

Hope you all enjoyed the trip.

Mom would show her friends the room and most said she’ll grow out of it. “Ha.”

My Sister & me

when did it happen, when did we fall

was it the plan that lay before us

as we ran up and down the hall, the earth was so big,we were so small

was it the day that Daddy died?

how did we split and let the anger fly

why did we slap and hit without knowing the reason why

was it the day that Daddy died

never seeing eye to eye,the hurt and the scars that we inflicted

would swell up and become red and infected

Lost Childhood

We were pulling into a garage and my Mom turned around and said,”This is your new Father.” I threw myself back in the seat and in my mind I said ,”NO WAY!.”

Next I am sitting in the porch that almost rings around the Queen Anne home. Huge it is. I had a Cinderella coloring book and a new box of crayons. The big box with the sharpener on the back. They were beautiful to look at.The way they were made with those little round flat tips before you use them. I started to color in the book until I went out of a line. This was no good. It was terrible thing to do. So I got up and walked to the store were I got the first one. Was I glad they had another. Took it home and started to color again. This time I only made it to the second page. Back down to the store and got another one. Out of line again. So back to the store for another one. They were sold out. I went around the store looking and finally asked the clerk and he said they were sold out. I looked at him with popped eyes.”Your out?! A store never runs out of anything.”All those books I had at home were spoiled and not usable.

This was just the beginning of the lemons to come. Fade to black.

My Dad

Red fish,blue fish,yellow and green all floating in the still water because of the small damn he made. I would sit there with my pole and try to catch them. The fish had big rings on their backs and my fish hook was big one. Had fun. I once hit my little sister on the head. Dad saw that and boy did I run to no avail. He got me and lifted me up with that big hand over my arm and swung his hand and pushed me up. I never did that again,well not in front of him. One time I walked to the edge of the driveway and did he yell. He was on a latter which made him look so much bigger than he was. Boy was I running back into the lawn. Their was a picture of me held in time because my Mom and Dad thought it was so funny. There was a big flower pot on the porch with a plant in it. I had dirt all around my mouth and made circles in more dirt around the pot on the floor. Have you ever tried to eat dirt?  Well it’s bland and gritty. Nope don’t recommend it. There came a day I was on my swing set when I saw a huge dark cloud coming out of the woods. My eyes and mouth popped open. I sat in fear of moving. When it got too close to the swing that’s when I started to scream and scream. It engulfed the swings by that time. Mom came out to see what was going on. I buried my face into her skirt and told her what I saw. She said to me nothing was there. Still too afraid to look we stood there until I took a peek and she was right. It as gone. The tying of the shoes. Dad sat over me and showed me how to do it,over and over and over and over again until got it. Pretty good for a three and a half old I think. Mom and Dad where sitting on the kitchen chairs and I could see the legs attached to the table. Small was I. Then I heard from Dad “Look who’s up!”

Next Mom and I were on the way to the Hospital. Mom had this idea that if I sang Dads favorite song it would cheer him up. That was not so good. My Dad fought in WWII in the Indoburma-China campaign and pick up a bug that now was killing his body. Well I went in and started singing and he went nuts. Then came what I thought was tomato juice fly from his mouth and some seigers kicked in.

I was taken quickly out of the room by white starched skirts and put in a chair by myself. Did I mention a cow was my Best friend? The next picture in my mind and will not leave, is my ride in the back seat of the car. I leaned over far enough to see Moms’ face in the rearview window. I wonder why they let her drive? Her eyes were lifeless and body stiff. We were quiet all the way to who knows where.

then & now

At my home there is a table in the kitchen area were everyone gathers and run their mouths for hours. And these people are guys. UGH!  But every once in a while one particular guy will say,”If I knew what I know now back then.” I asked my husband about the quote he told me,” That will never happen.”  For me I just find it so perplexing. What would be the point? Money,old cars, racing, a longer life?? Ya got me? If they got all that stuff it would be gone or ran into the ground before you could sneeze. It’s in their DNA. At least for the guys I know. But it still makes me wonder, can it be done or what is the price of such a thought. Well now it’s time for the bipolar side of the mind to run with this. Just a bit, mind you.  It’s a sunny day no clouds no wind, just quiet. He was walking to his garage thinking that thought a little more than he should have. If you stood to see this, it would have been a mind blower. Way,way up in the sky came a straight line of bright blinding light and it hit him. At the end of this light it split into six. One for the head,one for the right arm,one for the left,same with the legs,the mid section and poof  he was gone. Did he forget to ask how far back? No ash or burnt ground was left, nothing. At the same time everyone one he met or talked with or for that fact saw him from afar got terrible head aches with short term blindness. You know what happened after that? Everything was as it was, the big difference was he never existed at all. The chair were he sat, the car he drove they were some one elses. Every thing seemed in order until the “replacement” started to say,”If I knew what I know now back then.”  Do I really have to go through it all again?

Forks

Who ever said “Take the fork in the road”.? I pulled out my forks and they all have four prongs and the one that my best friend gave me that was her Mother had, had only three prongs on it. Boy am I confused. Do you just go to the right or the left? Or is there one that lays before you too. It’s not on any fork. I’m looking , looking, nope. It is not on any crappy fork. So, what is the next choice if I do not want to go right or left or for that fact not even straight? Okay, here I am standing in a wooded area and before me are well traveled roads. Same to the left and right and some straight ahead. I just don’t want to go down any of them. So I looked over my shoulder and WOW! There it is! The so called ,”The road less traveled.” I can tell. It is over grown with  grass and small bushes and there is the faint look of tracks on it. Okay, that’s where I want to go. As I stepped on this road I noticed I had to do the walking. It wasn’t anything like those traveling airport walks that you stand on and flow along. Good grief!  I had to pick them up and put them down. No problem. The one thing about an over grown road is that I think I can see in the far distance were the holes are and the dips are and exposed roots are with the over grown branches are.Oh boy!   Oh no! My shoes are gone! Was that part of the deal?  Now I’m straddling this road where the faint tracts are. Ugh, that makes it all the harder. Ouch, ouch,ouch little stones! Didn’t expect that! What the hell! My feet are getting dirty and the dirt is getting under my toe nails!

hello world!

i got dirt under my nails